Once Upon a Time in Ivalice
by Sweet Valentine
Summary: Because you know our heroes journey wasn't always just about business. Here's the other side of the story. [drabbles]
1. Groceries

**Don't own FF12. This disclaimer applies to ALL FUTURE CHAPTERS (because I'm lazy).**

"These are on the list… as well as those."

"I suppose you should pick them out, then," she sighed. He grasped the articles and placed them into the basket, paying a few coins and continuing on to the next vendor in the bazaar. Spotting a particularly appealing item, his arm flew forward to pick it up.

"We do not need those." She frowned.

"Ah, but Fran, I _want_ them." She stared at him with a slight tint of disapproval in her eyes.

"Now Fran, don't look at me like that. These are the finest candied apples in all of Rabanastre." Her expression remained unchanged. "Tell you what, to make it up to you, I'll let you pick out something that _you_ want. How about some carrots?"

She met his jest with a deathly glare.


	2. Chef Balthier

"Damn pan," he cursed under his breath, shaking his hand to relieve the stinging burn. Basch turned to him, an amused look in his eyes.

"Making dinner, are we?"

The pirate grinned in return. "Indeed, though it is a bit difficult, given current conditions, such as a general lack of cooking utensils." He attempted to adjust his grip on the skillet, which was currently sizzling with an assortment of meats and vegetables above the party's little cooking fire. He stopped, as if thoughtful for a moment.

"Captain." He suddenly barked. Basch gave him his attention.

"May I borrow your potholder?"


	3. Veggies

"Bleh, sprouts."

"Oh, shut up Vaan, just eat them."

"No way!"

He prodded at the green vegetables with his utensil in a most precarious, and slightly disgusted, manner. Penelo rolled her eyes.

"Suck it up, you baby."

"I don't have to!"

"Now Vaan," Balthier chided, mockingly. "Eat your sprouts. You want to grow up to be a big strong sky-pirate, don't you?" He dolled up a spoonful, cautiously swirling it in the air. "Open wide Vaan, here comes the airship," shoving them into the thief's mouth.


	4. Practice Makes Perfect

**Drabble # 1 – **_**Practice Makes Perfect – **_**205 words**

"Again."

She rolled her eyes. "We have done it plenty enough, now."

"No, we haven't. Go again."

"Time is precious, Balthier," she chided him, slightly irritated at her partner's incessant commands.

"Just do it, Fran."

With a resigned sigh, she waited for him to get settled, and began. "Are you ready?" All she received for a reply was an annoyed huff, and she took that as a signal to get on with it. Deliberately slow (to further her partner's agitation), she climbed up, settling herself in position. Then, with a sudden motion, she kick-started the hovercraft and they took off.

They gained speed, and in a quick movement she swerved dangerously, forcing the aircraft to skid perpendicular to its previous alignment, and off he went, sailing through the air. He landed roughly, launching himself into a somersault, cursing the Gods angrily at his lack of balance.

She smirked. "You're going to kill yourself, you know."

"Again." She sighed, exasperated.

Once again they tried, but this time, he stuck the landing, and suavely, hoisted up his gun and coolly placed it on his shoulder, grinning heartily.

"Are we done, now?"

"Yes, Fran," he answered her, in a smooth voice. "Now, we can make our palace entrance."

**AN: Because, come on! You know they had to practice that kick-ass entrance. **

**On a funny note, as I was writing this, I realized the first part sounds a lot like they're having sex. Which wasn't my intention, but it's funny nonetheless. **


	5. Fashion Sense

**Drabble # 2 – 256 words**

"Vaan."

"I dunno, Basch makes it a close competition."

"I believe Vaan."

"But Basch…"

" – Are you both really forgetting Balthier? Look at the man!" Champagne hair billowed in the wind as she shook her hair.

The older woman blinked, only the faintest trace of a smile on her face. "Vaan."

"I'm telling you, Ashe, just look at _Basch_. I mean, the man practically screams…"

Ashe cut her off. "Balthier. _Leather." _

"Vaan seems to be wearing nothing but metal, though. Ridiculous."

"Oh my gosh, you are both crazy, I mean Basch has a _pothold_-"

"What are you talking about back there?" The three women stared blankly, if not a bit sheepishly, at the flaxen haired boy who had called out for their attention. Vaan looked utterly confused, while flanking him were Balthier and Basch, both wondering what in Ivalice exactly was delaying their female counterparts.

"Nothing, Vaan," Ashe replied curtly, and the tone of her voice was ill-boding enough to force the men to turn back around and continue on their merry way. Once they were out of earshot, the girls continued again.

"Balthier is practically wearing a pyrosaur!"

"My choice is still Vaan."

"For the love of the gods, Basch – potholder! Multi-colored at that! And with all that green and red…" Penelo shuddered. "He wins."

Ashe rolled her eyes, sighing at their lack of agreement. "Let's compromise and say that all our male companions lack a sense of proper attire."

Penelo and Fran reluctantly agreed. "I suppose you're right," Penelo mused aloud. "They're all horribly dressed."

**AN: Like you weren't thinking it.**


	6. Lack Thereof

**Drabble # 3 – 280 words**

"What are you talking about back there?"

They simply stared at him, and the silence grew uncomfortably thick until Ashe barked out at him. He turned around meekly, and waited for one of the older men to continue to their dialogue. Balthier started.

"Now, as I was saying: Ashe."

"No way, Fran totally wins, I mean, _look at her_…"

"I am still refusing to participate in this conversation."

"Oh, lighten up Captain, it wouldn't hurt to have a bit of fun every once in a while, would it?"

"This is hardly my idea of fun, Balthier. If they knew what we were speaking of…"

"So, let's recap, 'kay? Penelo's out, even though she halfway qualifies, but she can't really compete with Fran or Ashe. I still say Fran…"

"Fran can't help it – it is a Viera way of life. It's normal to her. Now, Ashe on the other hand…"

Vaan gaped at the older pirate. "How can you be so calm when talking about this?"

Balthier sighed. "I suppose I've become inured to it. Besides, I learned the hard way to not become too _interested_ in Fran's choice of attire." It was as if the mere memory made Balthier wince. "As I was saying, Ashe's _skirt…_"

"We will cease speaking of her royal majesty's skirt!" Basch growled threateningly.

"Right, Captain. I apologize, I meant her _belt_…" He waved his hands again in apology as Basch attempted to close in on him. "Now, now, Captain, all I'm saying that Fran cannot be counted because she cannot help her Viera attire, and of the two left, Ashe has the least amount of clothing."

Balthier began running as the Knight lunged for him.

**AN: Because I can.**


	7. Weaponry

**Prompt provided by ****sapereaude13, without whom, this drabble would not have been possible. **

**More subtle humor than my other ones, but I needed to write something to show that I have not forgotten this fic!**

_**Weaponry (Or, "Nice hammer, Basch")  
**_

_**  
"**_"Hmmm… and this one?" Basch pointed.

The seedy Bangaa croaked back, "1400 gil fer that thar hammer." Basch pursed his lips. The party would be trekking through the Westersand, and he would need a finer weapon than his current one… but they had to conserve their money… funds were tight, what with needing sundries and technicks and all. He sighed, and shaking his head, exited the weapons shop.

"There must be somewhere around here I can find a suitable weapon for a reasonable price," he cursed exasperatedly under his breath.

To his right, he saw the Sundries shop, but next to that he saw a small, run-down little shop with a moldy sign in front, reading, "Seeq's Hardware." Basch thought long and hard…

"Nice one, Basch!" The flaxen haired boy cried out excitedly as they cut their path through the harsh Dalmascan desert. Pirouetting, Basch brought his fist downward onto a nearby desert wolf's head, and a loud _crack_ was heard. Satisfied they had eliminated the danger, the party took pause to rest. Basch grabbed the small multi-colored cloth that adorned his outfit (the one Balthier had, to his utmost chagrin, labeled a "potholder") and wiped the blood from his weapon. Penelo observed him.

"That's a nice, er, hammer, Basch." She started rather lamely, looking closely at it. "Where'd ya get it from?"

He politely declined to answer.


	8. Thongs

Vaan didn't really get why the bunny-girls wore thongs

Like, Vaan _really_ didn't get _why_ the bunny-girls wore _thongs._

It was something that plagued his mind – it chewed at his brain furiously, and occasionally he would drift so deep that Penelo would smack him hard and tell him to kindly stop staring at Fran's ass.

But he couldn't help it. He was a boy, and frankly, the psychology behind wearing thongs simply escaped him.

And they were _metal…_

He figured that while maybe a normal thong felt fine, a metal one had to cause some…er, _discomfort._

He was tempted ask Fran about it, but not even Vaan was a _complete_ idiot, and he knew asking would likely lead to a very painful consequence. So, instead, he decided to ask Balthier, but while he was working up the courage to do so, Balthier must have realized something was on his mind, and the older man spoke before the thief even could. "Vaan, I can tell you're going to blather idiotically about some topic or another, so I'm going to walk away now." And he did, leaving Vaan to his thoughts.

He wondered if Ashe wore a thong.

He wondered if Penelo did.

* * *

He wound up in Penelo's room. He figured, if he wanted to find out what thongs were really like, it was better to turn to than Fran, or Ashe, or Balthier. He did debate talking to Basch about it, but he figured the man would know even less about the subject than he did.

So Penelo it was.

She wasn't there when he entered. Stealthily, with all the practice of a vorpal bunny, he made his way to her underwear drawer.

She had different kinds – regular, some square looking kind that were almost shorts or whatever, but he didn't see any – _ahah!_

There was one. Singular. Blue (not metal). And sparkly. Actually, it was kind of pretty. He lifted the fabric, pinching it with both hands between his forefinger and thumb, and examining it carefully. There was…practically anything to it. Seriously, he wondered why the hell women wore these things, I mean, what purpose do they really serve? He thought.

"What. The. _HELL._ Are. You. Doing?"

His fingers relaxed, and the garment fell limply back into the drawer. He slowly turned to see a cherry-red Penelo absolutely fuming.

"Hi, Penelo."

"Answer the question, dammit."

"…er, could you repeat it?"

"_What are you doing looking through my underwear drawer?"_

"I want to know why women wear thongs."

Penelo stared at him, a mixture of horror and exasperation etched in her face.

"Goodbye, Vaan."

"Oh, come on Penelo, just tell me, why do you guys do it? Penance? Torture? Really, I don't get it."

She sucked in air fiercely before hissing, "Just so you know, they're actually quite comfortable."

"…I don't believe you."

"Aaauugh!" She shrieked, hands in the air, and retreated from the room.

Vaan stared after her, before his eyes slowly made a beeline to the open bureau…

* * *

Yeah, Vaan did _not_ understand, he mused as he re-adjusted his trousers, why women wore thongs.

* * *

**AN: Not my best. But it's something. Read and review, please. :D  
**


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